LIKE BLOND JOKES?

A blond man is in the bathroom and his wife
shouts: “Did you find the shampoo?”

He answers, “Yes, but I’m not sure what
to do; it’s for dry hair, and I’ve just wet mine.”
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A blond man goes to the vet with his goldfish.

“I think it’s got epilepsy,” he tells the vet.

The vet takes a look and says, “It seems calm enough to me.”

The blond man says, “Wait, I haven’t taken it out of the bowl yet.”
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A blond man spies a letter lying on his doormat.

It says on the envelope “DO NOT BEND “.

He spends the next 2 hours trying to figure out how to pick it up.
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A blond man shouts frantically into the phone, “My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart!”

“Is this her first child?” asks the Doctor.

“No!” he shouts, “this is her husband!”
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A blond man was driving home, drunk as a skunk. Suddenly he has to swerve to avoid a tree, then another, then another.

A cop car pulls him over, so he tells the cop about all the trees in the road.

The cop says, “That’s your air freshener swinging about!”
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A blond man’s dog goes missing and he is frantic. His wife says “Why don’t you put an ad in the paper?”

He does, but two weeks later the dog is still missing.

“What did you put in the paper?” his wife asks.

“Here boy!” he replies.
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A blond man is in jail. The guard looks in his cell and sees him hanging by his feet.

“Just WHAT are you doing?” he asks.

“Hanging myself,” the blond replies.

“The rope should be around your neck” says the guard.

“I tried that,” he replies, “but then I couldn’t breathe.”
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An Italian tourist asks a blond man: “Why do scuba divers always fall backwards off their boats?”

To which the blonde man replies: “If they fell forward, they’d still be in the boat.”
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A friend told the blond man: “Christmas is on a Friday this year.”

The blond man then said, “Let’s hope it’s not the 13th.”
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Two blond men find three grenades, and they decide to take them to a police station.

One asks: “What if one explodes before we get there?”

The other says: “We’ll lie and say we only found two.”
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A woman phoned her blond neighbor man and said: “Close your curtains the next time
you & your wife are having sex. The whole street was watching and laughing at you yesterday.”

To which the blond man replied: “Well the joke’s on all of you because I wasn’t even at home yesterday.

EVER WONDER…

Why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin?

Why women can’t put on mascara with their mouth closed?

Why you don’t ever see the headline “Psychic Wins Lottery”?

Why “abbreviated” is such a long word?

Why doctors call what they do “practice”?

Why lemon juice is made with artificial flavor, while dish-washing liquid is made with real lemons?

Why the man who invests all your money is called a broker?

Why there isn’t mouse-flavored cat food? who tastes dog food when it has a “new & improved” flavor?

Why they don’t make the whole plane out of the material used for the indestructible black box ?

Why sheep don’t shrink when it rains?

Why they are called apartments when they are all stuck together?

Why they call the airport “the terminal” if flying is so safe?

Last year I joined a support group for procrastinators but we haven’t met yet.

What makes a natural born citizen any more qualified to lead this country than one born by C-section? Mike Carter

This is downright scary!
Sitting in Hammarskjold Park
Minding my own business
As I am wont to do (lol)
When I reached into my bag
To retrieve a container of coffee
No fewer than four
Count them … 4 !!!
Uniformed police officers
With fingers on their shotguns
Four of them there are
Watching me – just in case ….
I wanna take a photo for you
But it might cost me
A night in jail :'(
(Could be fun….!)

IF ENGLISH WAS MADE BY sir MPOMBO, simple English would have taken the following form…….

ORDINARY ENGLISH: People who live in glass houses should not throw stones.
MPOMBO: Individuals who make their abodes in vitreous edifices would be advised to refrain from catapulting perilous projectiles.
*
ORDINARY ENGLISH: Twinkle, twinkle, little star
MPOMBO: Scintillate, scintillate, asteroid minim.
*
ORDINARY ENGLISH: All that glitters is not gold.
MPOMBO: All articles that coruscate with resplendence are not truly auriferous.
*
ORDINARY ENGLISH: Beggars are not choosers
MPOMBO: Sorting on the part of mendicants must be interdicted.
*
ORDINARY ENGLISH: Dead men tell no tales
MPOMBO: Male cadavers are incapable of rendering any testimony.
*
ORDINARY ENGLISH: Beginner’s luck
MPOMBO: Neophyte’s serendipity.
*
ORDINARY ENGLISH: A rolling stone gathers no moss
MPOMBO: A revolving lithic conglomerate accumulates no congeries of small, green, biophytic plant.
*
ORDINARY ENGLISH: Birds of a feather flock together
MPOMBO: Members of an avian species of identical plumage tend to congregate.
*
ORDINARY ENGLISH: Beauty is only skin deep
MPOMBO: Pulchritude possesses solely cutaneous profundity.
*
ORDINARY ENGLISH: Cleanliness is next to godliness
MPOMBO: Freedom from incrustations of grime is contiguous to rectitude.

Have you heard about the dyslexic, agnostic, insomniac? laid awake all night wondering if there really is a dog!

I think I want a job cleaning mirrors… it’s just something I see myself doing!!

I got a chance to conduct an orchestra today. Had more fun than you can shake a stick at.

Four great religious truths:
1. Muslims do not recognize Jews as God’s Chosen People.
2. Jews do not recognize Jesus as the Messiah.
3. Protestants do not recognize the Pope as the leader of the Christian world.
4. Baptists do not recognize each other at the liquor store.

♤♡◇♧◇♡♤♡◇♧◇♡♤♡◇♧◇♡♤♡◇♧◇♡♤♡◇♧◇♡♤

An atheist was seated next to a little girl on an airplane and he turned to her and said, “Do you want to talk? Flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger.”

The little girl who had just started to read her book replied to the total stranger, “What would you want to talk about?”

“Oh I don’t know,” said the atheist, “how about why there is no God or no life after death”, as he smiled smugly?

“OK,” she said, “those could be interesting topics but let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow and a deer all eat the same stuff, grass, yet the deer excretes little pellets while a cow turns out a flat patty, but a horse produces clumps. Why do you suppose that is?”

The atheist, visibly surprised by the little girl’s intelligence thinks about it and says, “Hmmm, I have no idea.”

To which the little girl replies “do you really feel qualified to discuss why there is no God or life after death when you don’t know crap?”

And then she went back to reading her book.

Don’t you hate it when someone answers their own questions? I do.
Russ Lewis

People who live in glass houses are one busted water-main away from People who live in aquariums.
RL

The first rule of “Condescending Club” is really kinda complex and I don’t think you’d understand it even if I explained it to you.
RL

There are two words in a person’s life that will open a lot of doors for them… PULL and PUSH

It’s all very well in practice, but it will never work in theory.

Thank you for calling the hug hotline. Please hold.
RL

What if there’s no such thing as the Placebo Effect, and instead, sugar just actually cures everything?
RL

You can never lose a homing pigeon. If your homing pigeon doesn’t come back, what you’ve lost is a normal pigeon.

I hate spelling errors so much. You mix up two letters and your whole post is urined.

The whole US Postal service is a fraud! There’s no way a letter can get from one place to another, because envelopes …

… are stationary.

It helps to be an enlightened mail.

NmmThere was this man working at a brick factory for years. Everyday he would leave with a wheelbarrow full of hay. The security guard would stop him, do a full search and find nothing.

Years later, the security guard saw the man and said, “I know you were smuggling something all those years, what was it?”
The man answered, “Wheelbarrows.”

I was so unpopular growing up, I had an imaginary bully…
Mike Carter

Woke up screaming this morning. My apologies to everyone at church…
RL

There is a fine line between a numerator and a denominator.
RL

Did you hear about the dyslexic, agnostic, insomniac? laid awake all night wondering if there really is a dog!

I had something witty to say. And now it’s gone. Oh well your loss.

Lol. Just musing. This may be the first time (exception JFK and LBJ) in a while when moving in to the White House is downsizing.

When I was born, I was BLACK
When I grew up, I was BLACK
When I went in the sun, I stayed BLACK
When I got cold, I was BLACK
When I was scared, I was BLACK
When I was sick, I was BLACK
And when I die, I’ll still be BLACK

NOW, you ‘white’ folks . .. .

When you’re born, you’re PINK
When you grow up, you’re WHITE
When you go in the sun, you get RED
When you’re cold, you turn BLUE
When you’re scared, you’re YELLOW
When you get sick, you’re GREEN
When you bruise, you turn PURPLE
And when you die, you look GREY

So why y’all be callin’ us
C O L O R E D Folks?
—

A Hindu priest, a Jewish rabbi and a Christian evangelist wanted to rent a room in a hotel; but there was only enough room for two of them so the third would have to sleep in the barn. The Hindu priest offered to go, but very shortly came back saying “I can’t sleep there because there’s a cow and that’s against my religion.” Then the rabbi volunteered but soon was back saying that there was a pig out there and that’s simply not kosher. ….. Can anyone tell me what happens next, and who told this story?

HERE’S AN ‘LOL’ FOR YOU:
CAN YOU IMAGINE, AFTER JESUS CURSED THE FIG TREE (BECAUSE IT WASN’T FUNCTIONING AS A FIG TREE) IF HE HAD BEMOANED THE FACT THAT NOTHING HAPPENED. THE FIG TREE JUST STOOD THERE AS IF MOCKING HIM !! WHY WASN’T THE SITUATION HEALED INSTANTANEOUSLY? AFTER ALL HE WAS JESUS !! FAITH WAS THERE. EXPECTATION WAS THERE. WHY NOT INSTANTANEOUS HEALING? WELL, GUESS WHAT !! THAT WAS THERE TOO – RIGHT WHERE IT WAS SUPPOSED TO BE – IN THE SPIRIT !! WITHIN 24 HOURS THE HEALING FOUND ITS WAY INTO THE PHYSICAL REALM, AND THE DISCIPLES WERE FLABBERGASTED !!

My brain contains a few things I should know and the rest is just song lyrics.

I’m the perfect man if you don’t factor in looks, depth of character, emotional availability, intelligence or financial well being.
Mike Carter

“If we knew what it was we were doing, it would not be called research, would it?”
~ Albert Einstein

I say ” I shouldn’t be telling you this,” at the beginning of every conversation so people will listen to what I’m saying.

A day without sunshine is like, well, night.

Given sufficient lack of motivation, there is no limit to what people can fail to accomplish.

My doctor says he thinks I’m having a mid-life crisis. I was so surprised I nearly fell off my skateboard.

I HATE it when I think I’m buying organic vegetables, but when I get home I discover they’re just regular donuts.

I told my psychiatrist that I’ve been hearing voices. He told me that I don’t have a psychiatrist.

Cops are allowed to tell women they have the right to remain silent, but when I do it I wind up with a fork in my leg.

I was about to give up on Democracy so I took a course in Communism. I would now be a card-carrying Bolshevik, but when I took the final …..

…. I got lousy Marx.

You red that right, comrades. Have a great day!

What is irony? It’s a Christian opining about needing to believe only the word of God, then argues the point using views based on sectarian traditions.

MY DOCTOR DOESN’T BELIEVE ME…

A few years back I went to see my doctor and he took one look at my gut and said that I need to diet and exercise. I told him that I did a ton of exercise and he looked at me in disbelief and asked, “What do you do?” So I listed the exercises �I do every day: jump to conclusions, climb the walls, drag my heels, push my luck, make mountains out of molehills, bend over backward, run around in circles, put my foot in my mouth, go over the edge, and beat around the bush. After he quit laughing he said, “You need to drop some pounds and get off the couch.

“Never argue with a fool,
onlookers may not be able
to tell the difference.”
Mark Twain

So what I’d like to know is who’s going to fact check the fact checkers???? RL

The best advice that I can give you is to not listen to anything that I say.

If your parents never had children, chances are you won’t either.

I just played 5 games of full court basketball and I feel like curling up into a fetal position and calling my mom
Jeremiah Johnsonn — LOL

Working on my 32 point plan to be more spontaneous. Any suggestions?

We’ll be attending the National Schizophrenic’s Convention. Anybody who’s everybody will be there.

Funny..I don’t remember being absent-minded…

We live in a world where lemonade is made from artificial flavors and furniture polish is made from real lemons.

I hate Russian nesting dolls. They’re so full of themselves..

It just occurred to me that the geniuses who invented religion must be the selfsame men who wrote many of our children’s stories:
Jack feel down and broke his crown and Jill came tumbling after.
Little Red Riding Hood’s grandma was eaten by the big bad wolf who was then fixing to have her for dessert.
Another wolf with a big appetite huffed and puffed and blew his prey’s house in.
The itsy bitsy spider got washed away.
And on and on ad nauseum.

Some guy waved to me and then walked up and said, “Sorry, I thought you were someone else.” I said, “I am.”

“There are two ways to be fooled. One is to believe what isn’t true; the other is to refuse to believe what is true.”
—Soren Kierkegaard

I’m known all over the world for my exaggerations.

Random Fact of the Day: Letting the cat out of the bag is a whole lot easier than putting it back in.

Just watching a cat-in-the-bag commercial. It was really quite convincing. Good for carrying and transporting kitty without causing stress and discomfort. Great for feeding, clipping, grooming. I almost bought one … and then I remembered … I don’t have a cat.

Did pretty well on the scavenger hunt. Shot three scavengers.

I have tried to know absolutely nothing about a great many things, and so far I have succeeded fairly well.

They call cat people crazy but they’re not the ones outside at 5AM putting fresh dog poop into little baggies.

I had a rough night. I dreamt I was a muffler on a car. I woke up exhausted.

Oh, yeah!!!!!

For every action there is an unequal and opposite overreaction. – Newton’s law of the Internet

Funny..I don’t remember being absent-minded…

I’m convinced that every time a sock goes missing from the dryer, it comes back as an extra tupperware lid.

Duct tape doesn’t fix stupidity, but it definitely muffles the sound.