We live in a world where lemonade is made from artificial flavors and furniture polish is made from real lemons.

I hate Russian nesting dolls. They’re so full of themselves..

It just occurred to me that the geniuses who invented religion must be the selfsame men who wrote many of our children’s stories:
Jack feel down and broke his crown and Jill came tumbling after.
Little Red Riding Hood’s grandma was eaten by the big bad wolf who was then fixing to have her for dessert.
Another wolf with a big appetite huffed and puffed and blew his prey’s house in.
The itsy bitsy spider got washed away.
And on and on ad nauseum.

Some guy waved to me and then walked up and said, “Sorry, I thought you were someone else.” I said, “I am.”

“There are two ways to be fooled. One is to believe what isn’t true; the other is to refuse to believe what is true.”
—Soren Kierkegaard

I’m known all over the world for my exaggerations.

Random Fact of the Day: Letting the cat out of the bag is a whole lot easier than putting it back in.

Just watching a cat-in-the-bag commercial. It was really quite convincing. Good for carrying and transporting kitty without causing stress and discomfort. Great for feeding, clipping, grooming. I almost bought one … and then I remembered … I don’t have a cat.

Did pretty well on the scavenger hunt. Shot three scavengers.

I have tried to know absolutely nothing about a great many things, and so far I have succeeded fairly well.

They call cat people crazy but they’re not the ones outside at 5AM putting fresh dog poop into little baggies.

I had a rough night. I dreamt I was a muffler on a car. I woke up exhausted.

Oh, yeah!!!!!

For every action there is an unequal and opposite overreaction. – Newton’s law of the Internet

Funny..I don’t remember being absent-minded…

I’m convinced that every time a sock goes missing from the dryer, it comes back as an extra tupperware lid.

Duct tape doesn’t fix stupidity, but it definitely muffles the sound.